The thought of men’s dos on their special day

I dunno about other men, but one of the things I dread most about marriage celebrations (both traditional and church weddings) is that part where the new couple has to come out and display their dance skills.

Now, I might not be a terribly awful dancer, judging by my lithe and flexible physique, but I’m definitely not one given to much public display of acrobatic calisthenics in the name of dance.

I once attended a wedding where the groom was tasked to dance and cover a certain distance to meet his bride. At some point, It was obvious to all present that dude was as stiff and rigid as one of Okorocha’s statues.

Try as he may, he just couldn’t whip up enough moves and steps to bridge the gap between him and his bride. Even the usual back and forth, sideways sways most terrible dancers employ to mask their awkwardness didn’t do it for him, as the MC insisted he go down and show some real moves. When it became obvious dude was making a big mess of himself, a friend had to intercede to smoothen things out.

And some MCs can be very wicked. They know you’re as stiff as a rod, yet they’ll insist you must dance until you embarrass yourself and ancestors in the process.

I’ve known guys with incredible moves that will make Michael Jackson green with envy, but I’ve also seen those who give Al Gore hope on the dance floor. I think I fall somewhere in between the two.

My dread of the dance session in a marriage celebration is the reason I’ll always opt for the parlour TM setting, and I pray the bride buys the idea when that time comes. Everything is summarised and we disperse, to go start making babies.

But in the worst case scenario, where I can’t control this aspect of the celebrations; where we opt for the very open sort of TM and wedding celebrations, I wouldn’t mind hiring a dance instructor; someone to put me through the latest dance moves: from yahooze to etighi to alanta to azonto to shoki and every move in between.

You see, I cannot allow the wifey sweat it out all alone, while I’m busy bumbling around like a fool, shaming my lineage in the process. I gotta be able to match her step for step, moves for moves.

Now, if you’re a professional dance instructor, get ready because I soon MIGHT need your services on this regard. It would be an added advantage if you reside in my location, as it will cut off some of the logistical issues distance could create.

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